Are you a whore? Now answer me politely!

A female friend of mine received an email on a dating site today (this isn’t the ubiquitious “friend”  who is really me – I’ve received this kind of email too, but not today).  The sender of the email is married, but apparently he and his wife choose to “play separately”.  So, he is soliciting “playmates”.

Now, it’s nobody’s business but this couple’s how they choose to conduct their marriage.  However, this man is looking for playmates on a site that specifically caters for people looking for a relationship, not a sexual encounter.  So what really annoyed me, when my friend showed me the profile of this charmer, is that he instructed women whom he honoured with his attention, to make certain they replied to him, with the admonishment “good manners matter”.

Seriously?  This guy is sending emails out to women, many of whom (as in my friend’s case) are probably offended by his approach (remember relationship site, not sexual pick-up site), and then he  has the sheer arrogance to instruct women whom he has just most impolitely solicited for sexual acts, to tender to him the courtesy he failed to tender to them?

It would be nice to say he is an aberration, but that is not true.  As any woman who has tried out a dating site will tell you, solicitations for sexual activity seem to be never-ending (actually some of the men will tell you they have had similar experiences).

Now some women welcome this.  For various reasons, they are not interested in an on-going, monogamous relationship.  But the beauty of dating sites is, even if they don’t give you the option of stating exactly what kind of connection you are looking for (most do), you then have the choice of indicating in your personally written profile if all you are looking for is sex without strings.  Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that if an individual has not stated they are seeking such a (non) relationship, that they are not interested in solicitations for such a (non) relationship!

*Is that too hard for people to understand…should I use smaller words?*

It is concerning that there seems to be an increasing number of men – well, predominantly men – who seem to believe it is perfectly acceptable to ask for sexual services to be rendered to them, in exchange for….nothing.  Yes, not legally prostitution, but it’s not much of anything else either.

Some people throw around the term “Friends With Benefits”.  Now, correct me if I am wrong, but the inference to me is that there are two people with an existing relationship (i.e. friendship) who for a number of possible reasons, decide to occasionally extend the friendship into the realm of sexual intimacy.  Two strangers who meet occasionally for the purpose of a sexual encounter, but have no other connection are not FWBs…they are SWDs – Strangers Without Discretion.

I personally cannot see the point of sex if it is not underpinned by  a connection of some kind…but then again I also see myself as a lot more than a sack of meat.  In other words, whilst I am physically capable of having sex with any of the 3 billion men in the world (NOT all at once!  Please!) that doesn’t mean I want to do so.  I want to have an intellectual and emotional connection, which then can potentially lead into a physical connection.

Sex without true intimacy strikes me as being very similar to fast food; yes, it satisfies immediate cravings, but lacks the long term satisfaction of more nutritious foods.  And it can leave some of the people trying it, feeling guilty and regretting it afterwards.  And fast food never, ever matches up to that carefully planned and created gourmet meal.

The thing is, when you have sex with a near – if not total -stranger, with the only goal being sexual satiation, the only difference between this sex and sex with a prostitute is that money isn’t changing hands.  Otherwise it is just as perfunctory, just as soulless, and just as passionless as bought sex.

Humans are social animals.  We always do better when we are in strong, supportive relationships, whether they are with family, friends or lovers.  Engaging in physical interaction without social interaction is not good for our overall mental health.  It means we start to see other people as things, and judge their worth based on whatever fleeting physical stimulation they can give us.  We start to become isolated as a result, which further damages our sense of well-being.  In order for us to be healthy, full-functioning individuals, we have to interact fully with other individuals…and that includes romantic/sexual relationships.  If we start treating other people as things, then we begin to lose our own sense of humanity.

As for the man who sent this email – and any other men or women with the same attitude towards other individuals – get over yourself!  You are not entitled to any reply, polite or otherwise, when you fail to treat others with basic courtesy.  And writing to another person, asking them for NSA sex is not in any way courteous.  All you are saying to this person that you approach, is that you see them as a thing, which you want to make use of temporarily, before casting aside.  There is no respect in the the way you are treating that person…only contempt.  And you most certainly do not deserve any respect or courtesy in return.

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