Fun and Sex

Strangely enough, the two words are not meant to be interchangeable.  True, sometimes sex can be fun…and sometimes it can be bloody horrible too.  But my real point is, that the word fun should not be directly correlated to sex.

Now, any woman that has ventured into the world of online dating has encountered those men (they appear to be legion) who mean nothing but sex, when they type the word fun on their keyboard (there may be women who think the same way – thankfully I personally have been spared their acquaintance thus far).

It is not always easy to pick out those who subscribe to this narrow definition.  Sometimes, they put it in their profiles, or in an initial email, which gives the recipient the painless option of immediately blocking the profile, and/or deleting the email.  Quite simple really.

But then there are those who write quite innocuous profiles (sometimes quite interesting ones), and who write pleasant and polite initial emails.  You respond, exchange a few more emails, begin to think “hey, this sounds like an interesting person”. and you move into IM exchanges.

Now many websites have their own IMs, which make it easy to eliminate someone who transgresses (without having to block them from your personal online communication tool of choice.  Most sites do not have web-cam options though.  So the first clue, is when a man (or woman) becomes very urgent in their desire to talk to you on Messenger, Yahoo, Skype, etc.   A red flag that, curiously enough, they share with scammers.

Once they exchange ids with you, and open up a chat window in this new platform, the next question is “Can you turn on your web-cam?”.    If you – wisely – demur to comply, the chances are, after some token protest, that they will accept your choice, but still insist on opening up their web-cam.

Now, some of them will initially appear clothed.  Or at least, the portion of them that you can see is clothed.  If they are bare-chested, unless they appear to be sitting on a beach, where the passerbys are all wearing beach-style clothing, it is best to assume the nudity is total.

It doesn’t take them long to get down to business (strange how I always considered business and fun to be at different ends of the spectrum!), and they will either invite you to view them (au naturale), ask you if you want to play a little, or if you want to watch them play a little.  If you again demur, they will then trot out the magic phrase “Aw, it’s just having a bit of fun!”.

Seriously?  Watching some guy you barely/don’t  know jerk off, is fun?  Since when?

Some of them don’t even ask first, but instead suddenly redirect the direction of their webcam in the direction of their genitalia, where they are already “playing”.  Presumably, they think that under those circumstances, you will be so enthralled by the sight of their appendage, that you will become glued to the screen, and pant along with them.  


To the men that engage in this behaviour, or even try to entice women to play along, I have to say…this is NOT fun.  What this is, is crass, crude, vulgar and quite often disgusting and totally abhorent.   While an existing couple, in a loving relationship may choose to use internet sex as a way to maintain their relationship if temporarily separated, when it is a virtual stranger, then it is no better than having a man come up to you in the street, and expose himself to you.  

Yes, guys, you are that dirty old man, in a dirty raincoat, flashing himself to strangers, in order to satisfy a perverse craving.  There is nothing “fun” about what you are doing, at all.  Women are not thrilled or turned on, seeing your naked penis.  You think we’ve never seen one before?  You think we might actually be impressed?  We might laugh at you and your rabid self-delusion – which is about as much fun as we will get from this situation – but we are never, ever impressed.

I want the men/boys/perverts who consider this behaviour “fun” to find a dictionary, and check on the definition of the word.  I then want them to think back to their childhood, to that point where someone must have explained to them, that when you do something that hurts/upsets/disgusts/repels another person, no matter how much enjoyment you may personally gain from engaging in these actions, what you are doing is not fun, and is not acceptable behaviour.  Guys, is that what really turns you on?  Disgusting and revolting another human being?  If so, then you need serious therapy.

I want the word fun given back to people who actually know how to have fun.  I don’t want to have to cringe, every time I talk to a man online, and he asks me if I want to have fun – I want to genuinely believe he is talking about inviting me out on a fun date, or something equally innocuous.  I don’t want to dread being asked if I have a webcam…I want to know that when someone asks to talk on webcam it’s because they want to genuinely see me as a person (and possibly to check I’m not posting fake photos).  When a man asks me if I want to watch him play online, I want him to mean he is playing a musical instrument.

Because, to me, none of these things are fun, or playing, or having a good time.  What they are, is a man who is virtually a stranger to me, engaging in seriously deviant behaviour, that would get him arrested if he did it in person.  Being separated by the internet does not give someone licence to be a sex offender.


Learn to date – Part one

This is for both genders…no-one is exempt!

I have become quite taken by a song by country singer Shea Fisher, titled  “Don’t chase me (‘less you’re willing to catch me)”.  In the murky waters of dating and relationships, I believe she has a quite valid point to make.

For some people – too many people – the search for the One has resulted in a long and messy trail of first-and-only dates, short-term relationships, and what seems to be rising levels of infidelity (both men and women) within marriages.

I think relationships are yet another casualty of our retail mentality.  Which is too say, we do a lot of window shopping, cruising from store to store, trying on one person after another, and throwing them aside because they are not “perfect” for us.

Now, I am the last to advocate settling for someone you don’t love deeply.  Settling is a very, very bad thing.  But what I am saying is that if you find someone who is close to your ideal, then actually give them a chance.  Stop making every little thing on your “perfect partner” list into a deal-breaker.  And bear something else in mind – if you do find someone, who is perfect is every respect…what makes you think that YOU live up to their standard of perfection?  Yes, it does work both ways.

Being single, I have my fair share of those one-and-only dates.  Some of them are one-and-only for very good reasons.  Like the guy I met for lunch, who proclaimed himself to be a spirit healer, and then tried to use that to persuade me that I needed to listen to the spirits (through him) and become his lover (yes, this is over a LUNCH date!) in an open-ended relationship.  Open-ended because the spirits had told him he would be meeting his soul mate later in the year, so he couldn’t commit to anyone else.  Er, yes.  The point being, if you meet a loser, nutcase or anyone else waving red flags, run for the hills.  If they are so boring you would gnaw your own arm off to get away, then say “thanks so much, wish you luck in your search, goodbye”.

But if he or she is most of the way there, but just not your laundry list heart-throb…for heavens sake, give them a chance.  At least 3-4 dates in different environments just to see if they do have potential as a person.  After all, if not your one and only, perhaps they might make a really great friend (and one whom you can then set up with your single friends).  Consider it to be networking.  And remember there is no possible way for someone’s great qualities to all emerge in the course of one date.

We create a great deal of misery and loneliness for ourselves because of the way we approach dating.  We often have unrealistic expectations of the other person, and are subsequently disappointed when they fail to perform as we had visualised.  Remember, they are a person too, and may be as nervous as you (or even more nervous!).  Also, there is a tendency to behave differently on a first date – trying to be the person you think the other person wants you to be (this ties into the whole expectation thing).

So essentially, what I am urging is this…try and get past the first-and-only date block.  Give them three or four to allow you to find out more about them.  Treat them as a person and not a commodity.  Dating is meant to be a process of getting to know someone…not making snap judgments.

Are you a whore? Now answer me politely!

A female friend of mine received an email on a dating site today (this isn’t the ubiquitious “friend”  who is really me – I’ve received this kind of email too, but not today).  The sender of the email is married, but apparently he and his wife choose to “play separately”.  So, he is soliciting “playmates”. Continue reading